Break up...make up?

It's funny. I bought a new bike because the brakes on my old one were shot. About 2 weeks after buying a new bike with good brakes, and having them tuned up, I break up a relationship that for all intents and purposes was going well.

But I wasn't sure what I wanted, wasn't sure how much I was into him, and didn't feel that I was being fair to him without being able to commit 100% to that relationship.

It had been nearly three months, I figured it was time to either go for it or move on...so I decided to move on.

The problem with this was that I wasn't clear with him from the start about my uncertainties. I never directly shared them with him or people close to him, only to my friends. They advised me to talk with him about it, but I put it off. Part of this was due to a previous relationship and the brinkmanship and mistrust that I experienced during the final months of that. Another part was that I really did like this guy and was afraid that if I brought it up I would lose him in every capacity, as a friend, boyfriend or even acquaintance.

So I didn't bring it up, until I decided to move on, until I had made that decision in my head, without any input from him. Not that my process was necessarily wrong, but it wasn't the most diplomatic way of ending things...As a result, he no longer wants to speak to me, no longer wants to associate me and wants to erase my existence from his life. This is part of his healing process, I suppose, and I owe him that.

I could sense that he was really enjoying what we had (as was I) and looking to settle down (which I was not). Maybe we could have worked something out...but I'm not one to compromise on a relationship like that and as I said before, I didn't think it would be fair.

I will give him his space, allow him time. Hopefully at some point we can become friends, he'll know that nothing I did was intentional and that I'm still working through a lot of what I want on my own. And with that...I think I've hit the point of rambling.

Sigh...one of the good things about this is that I've learned a lot. I know that I can be very closed off and distance myself emotionally but I rarely allow myself to see how it effects others. This has been a wake up call to that...live and learn.

So in the end...dems the breaks, for sure.

Karma

There is always that one person on public transportation without any shame; they’ll talk about anything. This one particular story took place on a full bus to Philadelphia, as I was going home to visit the family. It involved multiple sick cats, their diets and lack of sanitation, an estranged sister who lived in a cabin in the woods with said cats and the trading of a particular buffalo skull for a painting of Pueblo Indian village that had adorned a friend’s office. Use your imagination. His voice was unabashedly sharing his story with the entire bus.

I couldn’t help but look around and wonder if we were being taped for a candid camera reality show. "Travel with Obnoxious Beatniks."

Just as I was judging him completely and writing all of this down in my trusty Moleskin, my own phone rings. My mother. Talk about karma…

The would be hook-up?

The first gay I met up with from the “internet” happened to be my scariest encounter ever, which is saying something, cause I’ve been to a dungeon.

First of all, I was really nervous. Second, he was a lot older. Third, he lived in my neighborhood which at first I thought may be a good idea and then later realized it could potentially be a disaster. I wouldn’t want to see him on the street if things didn’t go so well!

I circled the block around the place of our meeting twice before getting the balls to walk in. I technically didn’t even get the balls to walk in. I stood outside and had hung up the phone with my best friend, who encouraged me to give it a shot. "Whats the worst that could happen?" she said.

I was standing outside the bar/lounge and he came out for a cigarette and spotted me. Damn! Too late. It was okay, I figured it was better this way than wandering into an unfamiliar place looking for someone I only knew to be wearing an Abercrombie hoodie. Strange, right? Oh the rituals of gay men… I didn’t get it.

Anyway, we shake hands and exchange pleasantries, and he invited me inside for a drink. I declined the drink and we sat down. I deliberately chose a table between us cause I felt like I didn’t really want to get close to the guy. His name was Peter, medium build shaved head and not terrible cute but it would do. I was immediately turned off, though, because he seemed a lot more nervous than I was. It was my first time, I was surprised that he was so freaked out… I wondered if he had taken anything…

Anyway, over the too large table we made small talk, what we both did and how things were going. This was before I had really “come out” beyond telling a couple people that I was bi. I didn’t have or want to share too much, really, I was beyond the pleasantries and had already decided that nothing would happen. After about 20 minutes of awkward conversation in which I tried my damnedest to portray that I wasn't interested in the slightest, he invited me back to his place.

“Uhhh… no thanks, you know, on second thought, I’ve really gotta get up early tomorrow.” I bolted out of there like nobody's business!