Break up...make up?

It's funny. I bought a new bike because the brakes on my old one were shot. About 2 weeks after buying a new bike with good brakes, and having them tuned up, I break up a relationship that for all intents and purposes was going well.

But I wasn't sure what I wanted, wasn't sure how much I was into him, and didn't feel that I was being fair to him without being able to commit 100% to that relationship.

It had been nearly three months, I figured it was time to either go for it or move on...so I decided to move on.

The problem with this was that I wasn't clear with him from the start about my uncertainties. I never directly shared them with him or people close to him, only to my friends. They advised me to talk with him about it, but I put it off. Part of this was due to a previous relationship and the brinkmanship and mistrust that I experienced during the final months of that. Another part was that I really did like this guy and was afraid that if I brought it up I would lose him in every capacity, as a friend, boyfriend or even acquaintance.

So I didn't bring it up, until I decided to move on, until I had made that decision in my head, without any input from him. Not that my process was necessarily wrong, but it wasn't the most diplomatic way of ending things...As a result, he no longer wants to speak to me, no longer wants to associate me and wants to erase my existence from his life. This is part of his healing process, I suppose, and I owe him that.

I could sense that he was really enjoying what we had (as was I) and looking to settle down (which I was not). Maybe we could have worked something out...but I'm not one to compromise on a relationship like that and as I said before, I didn't think it would be fair.

I will give him his space, allow him time. Hopefully at some point we can become friends, he'll know that nothing I did was intentional and that I'm still working through a lot of what I want on my own. And with that...I think I've hit the point of rambling.

Sigh...one of the good things about this is that I've learned a lot. I know that I can be very closed off and distance myself emotionally but I rarely allow myself to see how it effects others. This has been a wake up call to that...live and learn.

So in the end...dems the breaks, for sure.

Quote of the day

"Hopefully one day I'll find a superstud who can satisfy me."

Springing along

The obligatory season reference as the weather changes... do all blogs make one? Maybe with pictures of trees or flowers blooming?

I am not sure, I don't read many blogs.

I had a relapse this morning. A particularly odd set of dreams sent me swirling into the depths of white-girl insanity over my ex. Before you reach for the phone, have no fear, I am okay. A friend mentally bitch-slapped me back into reality as I fumed at work.

The depths of white-girl insanity are not a particularly productive place to work.

Circular words and words of circles

Poor copy editing, especially on advertisements meant to sell something or entice me to go somewhere, drives me crazy to no end. I will focus on a mistake for hours on end, trying to mentally correct it. Of course, this Jedi mind-trick doesn’t really work as much as I’d want it to, but it helps to pass the time on a train ride.

The particular example that has spurred this post:

“It’s my flower show…because it has the all the things I like.”

In the first line. Really! I couldn’t stop staring at the first the in the sentence and it was driving a hole into my brain. Like a too slow screw going into a wall, scraping the entire way, I could focus on nothing but that. Luckily, a cute, muscular punk boy entered the train and sat directly under it to my benefit, so I had something else to focus and project on. All tattoos, shaved head and muscles.

It’s funny how cute boys have a tendency to make everything better.