Break up...make up?

It's funny. I bought a new bike because the brakes on my old one were shot. About 2 weeks after buying a new bike with good brakes, and having them tuned up, I break up a relationship that for all intents and purposes was going well.

But I wasn't sure what I wanted, wasn't sure how much I was into him, and didn't feel that I was being fair to him without being able to commit 100% to that relationship.

It had been nearly three months, I figured it was time to either go for it or move on...so I decided to move on.

The problem with this was that I wasn't clear with him from the start about my uncertainties. I never directly shared them with him or people close to him, only to my friends. They advised me to talk with him about it, but I put it off. Part of this was due to a previous relationship and the brinkmanship and mistrust that I experienced during the final months of that. Another part was that I really did like this guy and was afraid that if I brought it up I would lose him in every capacity, as a friend, boyfriend or even acquaintance.

So I didn't bring it up, until I decided to move on, until I had made that decision in my head, without any input from him. Not that my process was necessarily wrong, but it wasn't the most diplomatic way of ending things...As a result, he no longer wants to speak to me, no longer wants to associate me and wants to erase my existence from his life. This is part of his healing process, I suppose, and I owe him that.

I could sense that he was really enjoying what we had (as was I) and looking to settle down (which I was not). Maybe we could have worked something out...but I'm not one to compromise on a relationship like that and as I said before, I didn't think it would be fair.

I will give him his space, allow him time. Hopefully at some point we can become friends, he'll know that nothing I did was intentional and that I'm still working through a lot of what I want on my own. And with that...I think I've hit the point of rambling.

Sigh...one of the good things about this is that I've learned a lot. I know that I can be very closed off and distance myself emotionally but I rarely allow myself to see how it effects others. This has been a wake up call to that...live and learn.

So in the end...dems the breaks, for sure.