Thankful for home

Last week I went home for Thanksgiving.

I walked off the platform of the R5 in Thornedale to my dad and dog, as usual. Cedes, my dog, wriggled in happiness at seeing me. Her presence lifts my heart because I know she has and will always love me no matter what.

In the car, my dad and I discussed current events like North Korea and the elections, as usual. Through the mundane conversation, I could sense that he really does enjoy being the first to see me off the train, waiting by the truck with the dog in the parking lot.

But something was a little different.

I didn't feel like I had to hide who I was...even if it wasn't relevant to the conversation. There was an unspoken understanding between us, I was still who I have always been to him.

We got home and my mom had left out dinner for me, as usual. It was no longer hot, so I put the plate of hot dogs, beans and cauliflower in the microwave and we sat down to talk. We talked about work, the dog, my brother and his kids, her sisters and my cousin's families, news that she had forgotten to include in our daily e-mails.

But again, something was a little different.

I felt like now, even if unsaid, she had a better idea of what my life was like in New York. She asked, quietly, if I was seeing anyone. I laughed and said no, that I was single and happy about it. I don't quite think they're ready to be regaled with stories of dating...let alone sex.

After coming out to my parents on the last day of my previous visit home, it didn't feel like a great burden was lifted off my shoulders, there was no instant sense of relief. I let them glimpse into a world that I had guarded closely and came back to the life I've made in New York. I brush over it quickly now, but at the time coming out had left me emotionally ragged and raw.

I was nervous about opening up those emotions again, of visiting home. But settling into the usual routine slowly put my nerves at ease, like the warmth you feel getting into bed as your body heat spreads under a heavy blanket.

I really was home, and they still accepted and loved me unconditionally. And it wasn't just Cedes this time.